Last week, I was the happiest guy on the planet. The weekend happened and now I am the saddest guy on the planet. How did one weekend changed everything? Just the thought of it makes me go crazy. 

I was happy because of one person, and one person only. Then that person decided to walk out on me… again. Crazy to think how one person can control what you feel. But what did I truly feel when I was with that person? Happiness? Love? What did I really feel? Why did I kept emotionally attaching myself to this person even if that person has a hard time making decisions and finding out what their true feelings are. Why? I don’t even know myself. All I know is that I wanted more than just “being friends”. 

I have achieved my goal. I made it. But it wasn’t for long. But I was happy while it lasted. It was the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I actually looked forward to my birthday, which I never do. That birthday was the best birthday I’ve had in years. All because of that one person. 

But the weekend came. Something went wrong. She walked out on me once more. Now I am back where I started, but this time, with no where to go. I don’t know what to do, honestly. 

It’s funny how feelings change. In just a few seconds, with just a few words, it all can be a drop from a high point of my emotional roller coaster. And when it dropped. So did my heart. 

Thank you Tumblr for letting me vent on you. Not many people I know get on here. And those who are here, are either to lazy to read my shit, or something else. 

Yeah, right now the life of this kid is pretty much down. Yet this kid keeps smiling. The optimism in this kid is incredible, but when he gets home, this kid just lays there, on his bed, motionless and the urge to cry his eyes out again. But yet, he finds a way to push through this and smile. Even though his chances for another chance have been reduced. Probably to 0.001%. Who is this kid? He is me. I am him. We are each other.  

What’s the problem with this kid? He’s pretty cool. He’s is going to grow up to be a handsome man. Right now, he’s somewhat of a cutie. But I think differently. Even though the one who’s currently typing this is the same person who is describing this person. He somehow pushed through and got an A in his worst subject, algebra. He did something remarkable, incredible, unimaginable on valentines day. It was memorable. How do I know? I was there. I am him. This kid was the happiest guy in the whole school. Why? The one he has been chasing loved the present so much, she went for a hug. That’s when he was happiest. He was just happy to see her happy. That’s all he wanted, to make her the happiest girl in the world. But somethings went wrong and she decided to become independent.

But why? That’s what me and I are trying to figure out. Why? This kid was going to devote his time to make this girl feel happy. He was going to  listen what she had to say, about her, about her life, and about her problems. He wanted to comfort her and tell her that it’s going to be fine because he’s there to make her happy. This kid went tried his hardest to achieve what he wanted. He got it, but lost it. Why? Undecisiveness. I don’t know if that’s even a word, but it’s what I came up with. He literally tried everything he had planned. He brought out the big guns all in one day. Maybe that was the problem. 

But why? Was he too nice? Was he too fast? Or was it her… There’s not really a clear response on whether who’s to blame. But blame is such a harsh word. Not really blame but something… not as harsh as blame but it was someone who drove this kid to be prisoner of his own sub-conscious mind, where most of his emotions are at, struggling to find a way out of this maze of mixed feelings and emotions. But the question he’s trying to find out is: whether to give up all together or try again harder? Once he figures that out, then he can make his way out of the abyss of emotions and begin a brand new journey or start again? Only he knows. He won’t tell me. But what ever he decides, I will support him all the way.

Is there any place in Houston that gives yoga classes or something. I’ve been seeing a counselor about my outrageous amount of bottled up stress and anger in me and I told her that I’ve been very interested in trying out yoga. I’ve heard it really helps. 

Lately, I’ve been into this one girl.

We’ve dated before a while back for sometime. Nothing really broke us apart. The reason why we broke up is because she was having some personal problems and she didn’t want me to worry about her and she didn’t want me to drag her into her problems. I completely understood her reasons for us to split up. She also told me that there may be another chance and try again when everything is okay with her life , my life, and also school. 

This girl has been my friend for many years. And ever since I first lay eyes on her, I liked her. Feelings varied every now and then, but I just never stopped crushing on her. It’s been about 3 years. Yet, I’ve liked her ever since. 

The first time we dated, I felt like I finally did what I wanted long ago. I finally did it. I’m dating this wonderful girl who used to be my best friend. It was one of the most happiest time of my life. This is in the top of my list for happiest time in my life. Anyways, I pretty much enjoyed spending time with her. I loved the time she surprised me. She bought me a giant chocolate covered strawberry! It was really sweet. Both the thought into the strawberry and the strawberry itself. I considered myself lucky because it was the first time in a long time someone surprised me with something. I loved it. I miss that time. We would plan stuff out like going to a Texans’ game and other fun stuff. I would do anything to get back with her and be happy again and do all the cute things we planned on doing.

But, once my sophomore year started, I couldn’t even talk to her. I was FROZEN! I thought she hated me or something. I don’t know what’s keeping me away from her. Then I realized I fell for her again. I don’t know what it is that keeps me attached to her, but, damn it, it’s keeping me on her.

It’s complicated. We text, but we don’t talk in real life. Mainly, that’s my fault. As the guy, I’m expected to do the first move. I want to, but I just can’t. I can’t even talk to her. I can talk to other female friends fine, without a problem. Hell, I even complement what they’re wearing to be nice. I was going to compliment this girl on this scarf she was wearing and then tell her that I have a scarf with the same color scheme. That’s how I usually make conversations. But when it comes to HER. Ooooh, I can’t even move. 

I’m afraid that if I go talk to her, I will say something stupid and do something stupid. Even though that’s how I’ve approached her before with no problems. I used to trip on myself while going up to her, stutter, say the wrong pronunciation of words and I still kept the conversation going.

Recently, she told me that she doesn’t feel the same way as I do right now. I then told her (by text, of course) that, “if not right now, then another time, right”? She said maybe. I took that maybe as a window of opportunity. Then I took it upon myself to wait until she’s ready. I don’t care if it takes months, I will wait. 

There’s a little quote I remember from the Disney movie “Hercules” (I think). It said, “people always do crazy things when they’re in love.” I think it’s true. I’m willing to wait for her. Call me stupid, call me crazy, but dammit I’m going to do it.

She said that we will still go to a Texans game, go skating, shopping, etc. as friends. I won’t do that. I don’t want to do these things as just friends. I want to do it as a couple. That or nothing.

I’m tired of settling for less. I’m not going to settle for “JUST FRIENDS”. It’s been like that for too long. Time for that to change.